For a long time I thought I was free. But when a single blog post unleashed an avalanche of anger, I found myself trapped and silenced again — this time, by my own fear of repercussions.
Today, I’d like to share a story with you about how this fear kept me (as it does so many trauma survivors) stuck and silent and how I’m finally breaking free (and more importantly – how you can too!) 🥰
In 2012, I was pregnant with Olivia, the youngest of our three children.
I was already pretty low-contact with my family-of-origin, having moved from England to the US after my mum died in 2005.
Moving here created enough safety within my body and nervous system for me to begin my own healing journey.
But, the prospect of a visit from my father, late into my pregnancy, caused me to re-evaluate my boundaries and my level of familial contact.
💔 Did I want him to have access to my children?
💔 Was he willing to NOT drink during visits?
💔 Would I feel safe letting him spend time alone with my children (And if not – why not?)
💔 Would I allow him to talk to or treat them the way he had treated me as a child?
💔 Was there a real – or potential – risk he could harm them in the ways he’d harmed me as a child?
💔 Was it serving my children for me to maintain contact with him out of fear, just because “I should”?
The answer to all of these questions was a resounding “NO!”
After a lot of reflection, I wrote my father a letter inviting him to take ownership of his past abusive behavior.
Deep down, I know I was hoping for the impossible – an apology and reconciliation. 🥺
When his reply came, however, he made his feelings clear. He was not willing to discuss past events and he did not feel anything needed to change going forwards. His response to the issues I raised:
“That’s not what happened”
“That’s not how I remember it”
“The past is in the past”
“Why can’t you just move on”
“I thought I was a good father”…
It was the jolt I needed. I finally knew for certain that I would never get the apology I longed for, or have the loving, safe father – daughter relationship that I dreamed of.
I wanted so badly to be a “good daughter.” I didn’t want to “rock the boat”, be the black-sheep or “bad-mouth the family.” I wanted a family, I wanted roots and shared history. But at what cost?
I simply could not continue to silence myself; to deny my feelings, my memories or my truth in order to keep the peace.
I made the choice to protect my children (and myself) and end all future contact with my father. ❤️
Although I still grieved the loss of the idea of family, especially around holidays and special occasions, I had chosen my truth over the gaslighting, and my healing over the hope that he would ever make amends or change.
I built my private practice helping other survivors, raised my kids and for the most part kept a low profile.
Little by little my confidence grew. I developed my voice, I became a little more visible, a little more vocal. I did some interviews and presentations and shared snippets of my story and healing journey to help others begin to heal too.
I wrote a blog post that struck a raw nerve and caused intense backlash from my only remaining birth-family-members:
🚫 “You’re a liar.”
🚫 “Keep your mouth shut – or you will be punished.”
🚫 “Stop tarnishing the family name.”
🚫 “How dare you speak out against us”
Although I had done a LOT of healing work by this time and knew consciously that I was safe, my body, brain and nervous system did not feel safe at all! 😰
I was terrified. My nervous system was no longer tethered to the here and now. I was fully back then – stuck in an emotional flashback. And, back then, as a child, I WAS punished.
Punished for existing and for being me. Punished for speaking up. Punished for remembering. Punished for refusing to uphold the facade of our perfect, “happy” family.
Back then, the repercussions were real. My body and nervous system’s fear in the here and now was well-founded.
For me – as for so many trauma survivors – an integral part of the healing journey is learning to find and trust our voice and our truth.
But, oftentimes, self-expression and “having a voice” comes at a cost: a visceral and deeply ingrained sense of danger.
The mind says: “It’s over now.”
But the body and nervous system say: “Stay silent, or you will suffer.”
It makes sense, doesn’t it? If speaking up once led to abandonment, punishment or further abuse — why wouldn’t our survival brain still see it as a threat today?
Following my blog post and the anger it elicited, I cut all remaining contact with my family-of-origin.
But despite this – or perhaps because of it – I experienced MONTHS of awful flashbacks and nightmares in which I was relentlessly chased and attacked.
One was so vivid that I woke, gasping and choking, paralyzed with fear, trying desperately to scream. In it, my mother — long deceased — stood over me, forcing me to drink noxious chemicals as punishment for speaking out.
Each night the method of attack was different, but the messaging was consistent and clear: “Shut up, or else…”
My drive, my passion and purpose evaporated. I stopped speaking up. I stopped writing blogs, I stopped posting online. I even stopped working with clients. I sank into depression and a functional freeze response.
It felt like my abusers had won – like fear of repercussions had won.
My experience is sadly not unique. This is the burden of the fear and silence carried by so many trauma survivors.
If you’ve ever felt like fear was keeping you stuck, like every step forward left you looking over your shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop, please know that you are not alone. And you are not broken.
Back then, we learned to equate speaking up with punishment. So it makes perfect sense if it still feels challenging or even dangerous for us to do today. But – healing is possible. 😊
This hasn’t been an easy time for me, or an easy blog post to write. 🥺
It’s taken self-compassion and determination to move through my fears of repercussions. And even then, some days I still struggle to find my voice.
It’s always been my intention to share openly and honestly with you about my struggles as well as what’s helped me most.
That’s why I wanted to put together some of the small, supportive steps that helped me move out of futility, release my fears and reclaim my voice – steps that I know can help you too: 🥰
Before we can release old patterns, it’s important to acknowledge that those patterns did serve a valuable purpose back then. Only then can we start to help our nervous system feel safe right now. This isn’t about “telling” yourself you’re safe now; it’s about showing your body that you are – using all of your senses:
🌿 Wrap yourself in a soft blanket.
🌿 Hold something weighted (a pillow, a pet, a warm mug).
🌿 Find a place in your home that feels most comforting and settle there. (I like to sit on the floor with my back against my sofa surrounded by pillows.)
🌿 Ask yourself: “What does my body need to feel just 1% safer in this moment?”
If fear of punishment has kept you frozen, offering your body gentle movement — even in the smallest ways — can be a powerful first step toward safety:
🌱 Shake out your hands and arms.
🌱 Press your feet firmly into the ground.
🌱 Stand up and stretch your arms overhead.
🌱March in place or sway side to side.
🌱Take a big breath in and on the exhale make the sound “vooooooo”. It’s a great way to connect to your voice.
🌱Sing or hum along to songs you love. It doesn’t matter whether you can hold a tune. Beginning to use your voice in new ways is a gentle, yet powerful step. 🥰
Remind yourself: I am here. I am safe in this moment now.
If self-expression has felt dangerous, or is something you’ve been punished for in the past, you don’t have to jump straight into speaking-up or sharing publicly.
Try these smaller, safer steps first:
Write in a journal that no one will read. Let the words flow without censoring yourself. You can get a lockable journal if that helps. 😀
💕 If this feels too challenging, one of my favorite self-trust building exercises is called “The Writing in the Writing”. Take a pen or pencil and write one line on a piece of paper or in your journal. Write the next sentence on top of the line you already wrote and so on. You will end up with multiple layers in just one line of writing. An illegible pile of letters all jumbled up, safe from potential prying eyes. Try it out and notice how good it feels to have complete anonymity and freedom.
📣 Practice speaking your truth aloud—just to yourself in the mirror, in the car or on a nature walk.
💌 Send a text or voice note to a trusted friend where you can practice sharing your opinion on things that feel safe or neutral to you (eg. what you thought of the movie you just went to see or a book you read or the meal you ate last night.)
🌷Remind yourself: My truth is mine to hold. My opinions are valid. I can share as much or as little as I feel safe and comfortable to do.
Tapping is such a powerful way to help your nervous system release fears and step into more safety.
Try these simple setup statements as you tap through the points:
👉 “Even though I feel scared of speaking my truth, I honor that my body is just trying to keep me safe. I am open to the idea that maybe, just maybe, it’s safe for me to have a voice now.”
👉“Even though it wasn’t safe back then and I am still scared, I’m open to releasing just a tiny bit of this fear today.”
👉“Even though I was punished for speaking up back then, I choose to give myself permission to release some of this fear now. I allow myself to step into the here and now, knowing that I am safer now and that I am doing my best with this today.”
🌿 Remember, you don’t have to go from silence to shouting. Healing has no set timeline and it is not a linear journey. But with self-compassion and patience, you will continue to break free, one step and one day at a time. 🌷
Fear of repercussions often stems from past experiences where speaking up led to punishment.
You did not get to choose your family or your primary caregivers. But you do get to choose the significant people in your life today.
See what it feels like to start to gradually build up your support network. Pause and ask yourself:
💛 Who in your life has shown you they are safe? Start small—maybe it’s a friend, a co-worker, a partner, or an online support group volunteer.
💛 Imagine being witnessed and validated in your truth by someone who believes you. Even if you’re not ready to share yet, let yourself feel what that might be like. How might you stand? How might you breathe?
💛 And if you don’t have those people around you yet, know that you are not alone and that over time, it is possible to build a safe and supportive network. You can find people in a gardening club, at your church, a walking group, book club, gym – anywhere. 🥰
Healing doesn’t mean forcing yourself to speak up before you’re ready. It means gently and gradually building safety — step by step — so that you can truly live freely and thrive in your life today.
I see you my friend. I honor your courage. And I’m walking this path right beside you. 🌷
Karen
P.S. If this post resonated, I’d love to hear from you. Have you ever stayed silent out of fear? What’s one small way you’re practicing reclaiming your voice? Leave a comment below — I read every one. 💛
The Burden of Silence: When Fear of Repercussions Keeps You Stuck
Is Trust After Trauma Possible?
If only I’d… then… (Tapping for Shame)
Everyone says I’m brave. I’m strong. I’m courageous. I made a commitment to myself to speak up and share my truth despite my fear. But what ‘everyone’ doesn’t see us the depth of my despair – the pain, the shame, the self-loathing. I started cutting in 1973 in 3rd grade – long before it became a thing. I ditched the lighters and knives years ago. Instead I’ve found other ways to punish myself. I don’t think the end, at least for me, is in speaking up anymore – that’s the easy part. It’s in loving myself. It’s in believing that I deserve love and that I have value. For 40 years I have paid lip service to the idea that the things that happened to me were not okay and not my fault. And I believe that – intellectually. But not on a cellular level. I do speak up but I am not brave or strong or courageous. I am still a terrified child trapped in a sick spiral of shame. I am the bad daughter of abusive parents, the ungrateful counselee of the devoted minister who raped the girls he worked with. Even after all these years of breaking silence, being an activist and an advocate, helping others, I still have nightmares every night and struggle with the guilt. I am not resilient – everyone just thinks I am. I don’t know how to love me. I’m afraid I never will.
Thank you so much for sharing Twanna. I can deeply understand your feeling of despair, pain and self-loathing. I’m so sorry to hear about your nightmares and the internal struggle you feel. It’s a heavy burden to be sure to feel like people view you a certain way (as strong and resilient) when inside you’re suffering. Sending you so much love and compassion today. I’m so glad that you’re here. ❤️
Bravo, Karen. You are such a brave warrior and a shining light for all on the healing path. Thank you for sharing this, and for sharing your experiences in your blogs and elsewhere. Thank you for your great courage in speaking your truth. 🙏💚
Hi Tim,
Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you’re here. 🌷
Hi Karen,
I wanted to let you know that I read your email and I really enjoyed it. Thank you for your bravery and sharing intimate details of your personal life.
As you know, I have been on my healing journey for quite some time. Just over nine years now.
I have yet to find many supportive people in my life and a group or community to belong to. It would be great if I had some people here in the city I live in. I long to connect with others regularly. I feel like I’m too much, I am a highly sensitive person and empathic and feels so different than most people.
I have learned to enjoy my own company and I love that.
I really liked your idea about writing one line and then another on top of that one. I’m going to try that.
That’s all for now, thank you for listening.
Hugs,
Donna
Hi Donna,
I’m so glad you enjoyed my latest blog. I know it can be challenging to build a support network, especially as a highly sensitive person. I find it easiest when I can do parallel things like painting pottery, or walking where there’s not as much direct eye-contact involved. If you feel comfortable, I’d love to know how you like the writing in the writing exercise, once you’ve had a chance to try it out. 😀
Thank you so much for speaking out, Karen. I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve gone thru, and especially what must have felt like backwards movement. But it really wasn’t. It was a wake up call to free yourself from those who’ve harmed you. Since I’m contemplating making a similar decision to avoid all birth family members, including relatively innocent cousins, I was very interested to read your blog. You’ve helped me, and I’m sure helped so many others. Without your pain, would you have the ability to help heal so many? Maybe, but maybe not. I’ve experienced therapists who didn’t get high sensitivity. When your therapist can’t understand you, you feel terribly broken. You get us. Don’t hide your light! Love you, girl!
This blog REALLY resonated with me, Karen. I’m 63 and I don’t know that I’ll find my voice in this lifetime. Because of your 5 tips, I’ll keep trying. ❤️