Trust is the foundation of every relationship.
But what happens when that foundation is broken in our early years?
When I was very little, maybe 3 or 4 years old, my mum would walk to pick me up from pre – school. I relished that time with her because for a few minutes, I had her all to myself. Just the two of us. 💕
Trotting home beside her, my little hand in hers – I was happy. Most days, the chatter was neutral and unremarkable:
“What did you learn?”
“Who did you sit with at lunch?”
“Did you color any pictures?”
But then there were the other days.
Days that filled me with dread so visceral that even thinking about it today makes my heart pound and panic spike.
Those were the days when my mum would play the “who are you” game.
“Normal Mummy” would vanish – replaced by “Strange-Mummy”.
She would yank her hand away from mine, look down at me and demand:
“Who are you? “I don’t know you. I’ve never seen you before.”
Flustered and confused I would plead:
“I’m your little girl, I’m… I’m Karen.”
And on it would go. She would tell me again and again that she’d never seen me before, didn’t know me and would not be bringing me – a stranger- home to “her house”.
I tried to convince her that I was her child. Wracking my brain for proof, I rattled off every detail I could think of about our lives, the house, the family. But nothing could persuade her..
To her – I was an imposter, a total stranger – NOT her child.
Panic overtook me and my heart sank under the weight of rejection:
“Maybe she’s right. Maybe she’s not my mother. I must be mistaken.”
I asked:
“But where will I live, eat, sleep? Who will take care of me?”
I was sobbing by now. Dizzy, confused, shaking:
“Where IS MY mummy? Do I even have a mummy? “Where do I go, what do I do now?”
I could not make sense of it at all.
She seemed to find my distress thrilling and amusing. She burst out laughing at me as I tried hard to understand what was so funny.
Without pause, she walked on as if nothing had happened.
My brain was spinning. It was too much for me to understand.
Looking back, I’m still filled with horror for the younger me who had to play this “game” on a regular basis.
The uncertainty of never knowing which version of my mother would show up at pre-school pick-up. Having to plead with, and try to convince her of my name and my identity. Begging to be “claimed”, taken home, given food and a place to sleep left an indelible mark.
I was too young to consciously understand that this was a de-stabilizing tactic used in many abusive homes.
But, what I felt unconsciously, was an excruciating understanding and awareness that my identity, my place in the world – and love itself – was conditional and unstable.
Love and care (foundational building blocks of secure attachment) could be taken away any moment. This, coupled with all the other kinds of developmental trauma (mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse) that I experienced as a child made trusting myself, let alone other people, feel almost impossible and fraught with danger.
Moments like these—where love, safety, and identity are called into question—shape how we attach to others for the rest of our lives.
Perhaps you can relate to this kind of instability and uncertainty in your own upbringing. It may have looked a little different for you, but take a moment to reflect on how certain moments or experiences impacted your own ability to trust others (or yourself).
❓Did you feel loved and cared for unconditionally?
❓Was there a consistent and stable primary-caregiver in your life – someone you could turn to and rely on?
❓ Were there any stand-out moments where you felt let down – like your trust was shattered or betrayed?
For many people growing up in unstable or abusive environments, primary caregivers are not safe, consistent or loving. As a result, our nervous system adapts, learning to survive in a world that can feel volatile and dangerous.
From an attachment perspective, our earliest relationships shape our expectations of safety, connection, love and trust.
These adaptive coping strategies and insecure attachment styles include:
❌ Avoidant attachment – Characterized by Hyper Independence:
“I can’t rely on others. No one is coming to help me or save me. I have to do everything myself.”
❌ Anxious attachment – Characterized by People Pleasing & Self-Blame:
“What if I had drawn a better picture at school. What if I’d been a better kid. I need to do better and keep people happy, or they’ll disown me or leave me.”
❌ Disorganized attachment – Characterized by Difficulty Trusting Love:
“I crave connection, but I can’t trust people – they feel dangerous to me.” This one is a biggie for me. Even after 18 years of marriage, when I’m triggered, I still ask my husband: “Are you mad at me…?”
** It’s important to note that you might recognize yourself in one or more of these styles of insecure attachment. That simply means that you unconsciously adapted to your environment in varying ways – according to whatever gave you the best chance of survival in the moment.**
Whatever your primary attachment style – please know that it is NOT a character flaw or failing. It is a survival strategy that your nervous system developed back then to keep you safe. 🥰
But, as adults, these same strategies can keep us stuck, isolated, anxious and exhausted.
Being able to trust after trauma is not as simple as shifting your mindset.
It’s about learning to understand and work compassionately and gently with a deeply wired nervous system response that developed before we even had words for what was happening.
If you struggle to trust others, doubt love, or feel like you have to do everything alone, you are not broken! ❤️
Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do back then to keep you safe.
Healing trust isn’t about forcing yourself to trust people blindly—it’s about retraining your body and nervous system to feel safe again – or perhaps for the very first time.
But trust exists on a continuum. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing leap.
🌱 Try this:
🌱 Somatic Awareness Practice:
Rebuilding trust starts here—by noticing what even the smallest moment of trust feels like in your body.
We overthink. We second-guess.
Before we can begin trusting others, we need to practice trusting ourselves first—even in the smallest ways.
🌿 Try This:
When I first started learning to trust myself – my instincts, my needs, my wants – I found an exercise called “fussy baby” extremely helpful.
How the “Fussy Baby” Exercise works:
Take a moment to pause. Wherever you are. Ask yourself: “What do I need right now?” Perhaps you might say:
“I need a nap, a glass of water, or to read a chapter of my book under a cozy blanket.”
Or maybe you might really need and want to move your body in some way. Or maybe your room feels cold and you’d like to turn the heat up or grab a blanket.
The important thing isn’t so much what you choose – it’s that you begin to pay attention and listen to yourself – about all things – no matter how big or small they might be.
When we refuse to ask for help, we can reinforce the belief that we are alone.
🌱 Somatic Awareness Practice:
Healing means learning to receive help and support (starting with tiny ways).
Ask yourself – “what would happen if I did ask for help?”
Start with something tiny.
When I tried this for the first time, I asked my son to make me a cup of tea.
The look of pride and joy on his face was incredible. I finally understood that helping me made him feel good.
Now I’ve graduated to asking for help with laundry, dishes and all manner of other tasks and projects. It’s not always easy and I do sometimes revert to old messaging in times of stress, but I’ve come a very long way for sure! 🌱😀
What’s one tiny thing you could ask for help with today? It might not feel immediately safe or comfortable, but by starting small – with our safest people – we can gradually re-train our body, mind and nervous system to understand that we are safer now. People are safer now. 🥰
Tapping is a powerful way to release self-blame and start to open up to the idea and possibility of trust.
Set-Up Statement:
“Even though I struggle to trust, and I feel safer relying only on myself, I am open to the possibility of healing.”
As you tap, remind yourself and consider:
🌿 “What happened to me was not my fault.”
🌿 “I was just a child trying to survive.”
🌿 “I can begin to trust myself again, one step at a time.”
🌿 “What if some people could be trustworthy now?”
If trust feels impossible right now, please know that you are not alone.
Healing trust is a gradual process. It’s not something that will happen overnight. But with time, patience and small, safe steps, trust can be rebuilt (or built for the very first time!)
Healing trust is about:
✔️ Learning to trust yourself first.
✔️ Taking small steps with safe people.
✔️ Releasing old patterns of self-blame.
Please remember:
You deserve to feel safe.
You deserve relationships that feel secure.
And you are worthy of love.
Sending you so much compassion today. 💛
Karen
P.S. I love hearing from you! Leave me a comment here and let me know if you’ve had challenges trusting after trauma and what your biggest takeaway from this post has been. I read every comment. 🥰
Is Trust After Trauma Possible?
If only I’d… then… (Tapping for Shame)
If Packing for a Trip Makes You Anxious, This May Be Why…
Karen, this blog is stunning. I can see so many of my family members, one way or another, in this…as well as myself! I now have a name for what is happening and think that is the first stop. Thank you for first of all, sharing your experience that builds my trust in you, and then explaining what it looks like and the steps towards healing. You’ve given us a treasure trove here and I have been blessed by it. Thank you!
Hi Scarlett,
Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you found this blog so helpful – I’ve always found it beneficial to understand why I’m feeling certain ways – so I’m happy it resonated with you too. 🙂 Take good care, Karen
Karen,
I really appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable by sharing your story, in order to help others. You are a remarkable person and such a good role model of resilience.
As a trauma therapist, I have listened to countless stories of childhood trauma, and I am always grateful when clients are engaged in EFT with me, because I have witnessed amazing healing from tapping.
You are an inspiration,
Kirby Grimley, LMHC
Aww, thank you for your lovely words Kirby and for the work you’re doing as a trauma therapist. 😀
Thank you so much for this blog. not only was it something i needed today as a validation for what my higher self has been showing me but a very concise while simple explanation of what happens to us when we happen to be born through a dysfunctional mother. i am glad for tapping and enjoy what i have learned through the Ortner’s and Dawson Church. my awareness of you is a newer experience for me – and better more recent than never! what you have to offer us is golden. That we need to heal to the depth of our nervous system is not an easy process. i believe this because i have been having almost daily flash backs since before i turned 40 years of age and now i am 80. i believe i was fortunate in having an NDE at age 3 from a drowning incident and another at age 28 while hemorraging following a cancer procedure – both events revealed great love to me which i kept in my memory and guidance. in closing, thank you so much for what you are sharing with us. it is so good to have guidance from a genuine over comer!
Hi Sheryl,
Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom with us. You’re right – healing is indeed a life-long process. I’m so happy that you’re using tapping often and that you found me and the rest of the Ortners too. ☺️
Thank you, Karen. I took Dawson’s course and I’m a certified clinical EFT practitioner. I did quite a bit of work during the course which was very helpful but I would like to know if you are currently taking clients and if so, please email me all the information thank you again for sharing your story.
Hi Diane,
That’s so great that you studied with Dawson and that you’re working as a clinical practitioner.
I’m no longer working with clients one-on-one unfortunately – but continue to help people through my writing.
Watch this space for some online course offerings, coming soon. 😊